Bible Libel

Forget the Grisons Exorcists, they are wimps. It seems that Nigeria has the one true Van Helsing, in the name of born-again Christian Pastor Helen Ukpabio. Now, Ukpabio is really into witchcraft and stuff. She can diagnose potential baby witches from more than a mile away (symptoms: they get sick, cry, and scream at night – all very unusual characteristics for children), has made a fortune with her anti-witchcraft, and has just sued BHA for a humble half a billion pounds. Yeah, with a ‘b’.

What for?

Because BHA had the insolence to write that Ukpabio attributes the above symptoms to satanic possession – when clearly they are signs of vampiric possession. This of course ruins her reputation and livelihood, hence the half a billion pounds of damages.

Well, I guess when your livelihood includes the budged of a small nation, it’s easy to lose track of details. Like, for instance, reality. Not that anyone who makes their living by endangering children (what do you think happens to a child in Nigeria – where superstition is rampant – when it is diagnosed with a demon?) can be expected to have trace elements of sanity or decency.

Boy, and I thought Nigerian Scams were bad. If it weren’t such a gross waste of resources, I’d have loved to see this go to trial in the UK. British humor and a frivolous lawsuit? Hand, glove.

Oklahoma Mike and the Temple of Doom

Meet Indiana Jones’ smaller, slower sibling: Dr. Mike Ritze from Oklahoma.

Dr. Mike (R-Broken Arrow, no joke) was instrumental in setting up a privately funded monument depicting the Ten Commandments on the lawn outside Oklahoma’s Capitol building. Quite illegally so, by the way, because the US Constitution strictly forbids this. But it seems that Oklahoma Mike and his fellow legislators thought a little well-intentioned disregard of law was not going to ruffle anyones feathers.

Of course it did.

Enter Satanic Temple, a recognized religion in the US. They want a share of the action, and notified the state’s Capitol Preservation Commission that they intend to donate a monument as well.

Now cue clown shoes and slide whistle as Oklahoma politicians manage to collectively put their feet in their mouths. Rep. Mike Reynolds, R-Oklahoma:

“The New York [Satanic Temple] group is trying to place a monument on the Capitol grounds for religious purposes and will be unsuccessful. The Ten Commandments monument, on the other hand, was put up for historical purposes”

That’s already weapons-grade stupid. But they can do even better:

“This is a faith-based nation and a faith-based state,”

said Rep. Earl Sears, R-Bartlesville. Ho boy, can you be more wrong? Being a political representative in the US you can’t – unless you go nuclear with One nation under god (pledge) or In god we trust (dollar bills).

These clowns really delivered the funny here. And that’s even without the spelling errors on the monument.

It’s not as if the satanists don’t know it. You can see their grin even here, across the pond. Lucien Graeves, Satanic Temple spokesman, managed to get out the following – without bursting into flames of pure Schadenfreude:

“He [Dr. Mike Ritze] is helping a satanic agenda grow more than any of us possibly could.”

And when asked what he’d do to make people less afraid of Satanists, he replied with delightful darkness:

“Some people will be put off by Satanism no matter how it is practiced. […] What we can do, however, is educate people so that they fear us for the right reasons.”


Well, Dr. Ritze, didn’t you read the one about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? Looks like this time it is more literal than even the hardiest of the bible belt buckle believers could have imagined.

Or as we say: Karma is a bitch.

Mainly because we don’t believe in her.